PDE Malaise: How I wish I worked for Intel!!!

Stalwart and Dignified.

Managers are attentive and give
personalized attention to every employee!

Like any literate computer user, I've always been in awe of Intel.
I've sometimes wondered, what if?
What if I could work there?
What if I could be a part of the company that brought us modern computing?

Naturally, these fantasies are quick to dissipate, as Intel's such an established, big company, like Oracle or Google or even Microsoft.

The people who work there must all be MIT grads, or freaky precocious children, or Californians: Surely, they don't actively seek out average people like you, or me, right?

Kee Sim setting up the shot.

Wrong! I thought the same thing, until I saw this amazing official Intel Recruiting Video!

Produced by Kee Sim via his Kampung Studios, a private enterprise he operates concurrent to his employment at Intel, it brilliantly uses PSY's Gangnam Style to bridge any of the communication barriers inherent in conveying the highly technical nature of the tasks involved when you're a member of a Silicon Giant like Intel.

 Starting the day with a stress
relieving oral massage is a
guaranteed employee right! 

Not only does it really portray what it's like to be a part of the company, but it manages to lyrically sum up Intel's whole global identity, too!

Leveraging his vast experience creating videos and utilizing the abundant company resources provided on site, Kee created this epic testament to Intel's awesomeness, and it has ignited a fire in me! One I've long been suppressing: The craving to be part of a company with no barriers or delays when it comes to FUN!!!!

Two time winner of National
Geographic's "America's Best Doomsday
Prepper Corporation"!

Sadly, since at times links to videos on Youtube go down, no doubt due to minor flaws in their otherwise perfect infrastructure, I've taken the initiative to capture individual frames to illustrate the amazing corporate environment I've been deprived of working at all this time. I've had to trim some of them to fit into this blog, but they're otherwise completely unmodified: evidence of the wild and wonderful world of Intel!

I really hate to be all gush-y, but I can't contain myself any longer and just need to erupt! So without further ado, check out these benefits and perks of working at Intel!!!

A girl who is warm
and humane
during the day.

She brings patience
and a fan to every room.

Some Lessons Take
Longer To Learn.

Louis appreciates what Pei San
brings to the table.

Combs distributed to facilitate
adequate grooming and silky,
 lush hair.

First, sexy geek girls!  I often feel as though I'm a man in a woman's body, so it's not surprising I want to start by commending Intel for how long they've been a champion of empowering attractive females in technology!

From the recruitment video, you can tell Intel continues to allow, on a daily basis, the pretty women they employ to strive to achieve their full hotness and potential, to the best of their abilities, in a safe, nurturing, and enabling environment!

Underwear is always
optional for Xin Hui!
Fridays & Other Days!

Towels are accepted attire and show the fitness of
nubile, eager young bodies!

Intel is also an industry leader in promoting a rational, less restrictive dress code, in order to grow comfort and bugfree code in tandem.  This relaxed perspective on appropriate dress applies to all employees; not just the bosses!

Diversity!
Intel Employs Under 40 Year Olds
to Honor And Celebrate Youth And Vigor!

Which brings us to diversity!  Intel is renowned for its extreme diversity; for example, in 1994, they sanctioned one of the first corporate Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender groups within the company.  It is with anticipation and desire that I imagine this creates a space where men can show their emotion and engage in affirmation building cuddling, as well as productivity enhancing bonding.
 I expect the communal nature of the clean and well lit bathrooms, one of the many abundant amenities Intel lavishly provides for its employees, may cause some contention among the more competitive folk, but I've no doubt it's of the friendly kind! Intel doesn't just do lip service to tolerance!

Geek Girls are worshiped for excelling at
performing all aspects of their jobs!

Kok Eon always impresses, be it in a
cubicle or a stall! Condoms Optional!

Content Employees Smell Better, Code 
Better, Test Better, And Get Along Better!

Left-Handed Wai Loon appreciates the
corporate policy on being
Green and eliminating waste.

All bathrooms are supplied
with free lotion and
allowance of time to use it!

A policy of tolerance which includes their official operating procedure when it comes to work enhancing supplements:

Whether it's regionally flavored caffeinated beverages ('the drink that cures a hundred lines of compiled code!') to help regenerate depleted libido, or having couriers available to make daily afternoon deliveries of awareness augmenters, Intel maintains the most broad-minded, objective corporate view!

When it comes to employees tending to their individual chemical needs, balancing their energy levels and focusing attention, no other company even comes close to surpassing Intel's personnel, by any metric!  Rad!!!

Have you seen our cam site? Intel Insider(™)!

Mentoring Junior Employees on correct
way to interact with geeky girls!

Security Can Be Fun And Safe! Robot Phalluses
change color to indicate proper levels of
aura shade and libido!

Intel Is Bigger Than Jesus!

And at the end of the day? FUN!!!  You can see it's not all work! Intel encourages you to enjoy your job! Everyone I know thinks work should be fun! That if you have to do 'it', you should get pleasure out of it!  Intel makes this happen, whether it's using the lobby to contribute to the well respected Chatroulette website, or re-enact the Beatles' famous album cover, the excitement and play never ends!

Pole dancing is a good, 
fun exercise to keep
muscles firm and supple!

Golden umbrellas aren't
worth much if you don't
have rainmakers to give
a golden shower in the
elevator!!!

I'm SO sold on Intel!

Pei San Enjoying
Well Earned Play Time
And Relieving Stress

I wish I worked at Intel!

New Experiences Can Be Scary
But Then Very Rewarding!

SO BADLY!!!!

I know there're job postings online, but I didn't see which one was best suited to my employment background: A junior high school dropout, with many years of gainful, fulfilling service in the food preparation, packaging and delivery sectors, as well as a full understanding of the intricate mysteries inherent in top notch

Intel allows no discrimination
but especially not when it
comes to size!

custodial endeavors, I can't seem to find which offering is most suited to my skills.

But!  I really really wish I worked at Intel! I know you guys wouldn't put out that video unless you're truly willing to give everyone a chance, so, please, contact me!   I've had some (ex-)friends say that I'm deluding myself, but, I've got the passion that would make me a good fit!  Sure, some so-called competitors might bring the heat, but I know that you've got the intensity! And the sexy ladies!  Call me and hire me!!! Please!!!  

Best Place To Work Ever Always Happy!

Intel is Gangnam Style and so am I!

References:
Intel Official Recruitment Video